Hell its my life
by MadameDegrassi96
Summary: what happens when Clare has some news for Eli, how will he findout, hot will everything go down? will they make it through till the end? i dont know, maybe you should just read the damn story haha JK!
1. Chapter 1

"Eli! Stop! Eli!" Clare was yelling at me between fits of giggles. I couldn't help but laugh at her, helplessly under my spell of tickling.

Clare and I have been closer than ever, we've been going out for the past 3 months, and we have shared some new experiences with each other. We swapped virginities already, it was one of the most special moments of our lives, I was so worried that she would regret it, that I was pressuring her, but she said that she wanted to do it too, so we did. It was beautiful and I will remember it for the rest of my life.

"Eli! PLEA- *giggle* PLEASE! I"LL DO *giggle* ANY THIN-G *giggle*" I sighed,

"Anything?" I asked,

"ANYTHING *giggle*" so I stopped,

"Alright then, kiss me, right here in front of the whole school, and not just a little chaste kiss, I want some PDA rocking high!" she looked at me, I have been hanging out with Adam too much.

She slowly made her way to me, and we started slowly, kissing in a regular kiss, where Clare usually drew the line. I held her closer, and things quickly began to heat up. We were oblivious to the whistling and hoot from our underclass man, and names and comments of the upperclassmen. We were even oblivious to the principal who pulled us apart, clearing his throat. That embarrassed Clare, while I just smirked.

Of course Clare and I got into the normal argument once and a while, nothing too big. But one time, Clare told me she had to tell me something important, after one of out fights. I guess this was the end of the road.

I stayed up the entire night crying, I have never felt this way about anyone before in my entire life. I felt as though she was the best part of me. Without her, I couldn't heal; I was just an empty shell. But I couldn't let that happen. Maybe I can change the outcome.

CLARE POV

Oh my,

"Clare, it's not that big a deal, it was just ONE drink, I mean why don't you have one? It's not like it can hurt you by drinking once in a while, jeez, sometimes I wonder." That hurt deep, I couldn't believe he just said that. I cannot believe that Eli would ever second guess me like that just because I asked him not to drink.

"Clare, I didn't mean that I swear," that shows him, I got up and walked away, tears threatening exposure, I wasn't about to give him the satisfaction. I grabbed all my stuff, and went to walk out of the door, he tried to block it, but I glared at him, more offending than I met for it to be. He sighed and stepped aside, but not before grabbing my arm lightly.

"Call me later?" his eyes poured his true questions. "Please forgive me, I really do love you." I sighed and nodded as I walked to my house, finally letting my stray tears stain my face, like a wave crashing over me, a wave of guilt, from where I don't know, a wave of fear, and most importantly a wave of rejection washed through me like Tsunami, destroying everything in its past.

I walked up to my room. As I lay on my bed, I thought about what I had to do today. It was so hard thinking what Eli was going to say when I told him, but his utterly bad decision to argue with me today, made me telling him truly impossible. I started crying, I really didn't know how I could tell him, without getting hurt, or hurting him. It was a complicated situation; the only people I told were Adam and Alli. I guess I should call Eli.

"Eli, its Clare." I could even hear the tense in my voice, like a child who's done something bad, and is trying to plat the scenario down.

"Blue eyes I know its you, are you okay I really am sorry." I sighed, I knew he was sorry, and I should forgive him since pretty soon he will be the one who grants forgiveness.

"It's okay, really. I just, we need to talk." And with that, she heard her mom coming up the stairs, she was in no mood to speak with her horrid mother right now, she quickly hung up her phone, and laid down, covering up, faking sleep, but she wasn't faking for ling, because then the unconsciousness overtook her mind, and she fell away to dream land.

"_Eli, I love you." He smiled,_

"_I love you moreeeee" he said in a singsong voice, I pulled him up for a kiss, and of course he complied. He slowly started placing kisses of fire and ice down here jaw, at first they were fiery, then as he continued, the spots turned all cold and icy, leaving a trail down to her neck. That was the night that she gave him her virginity, and her his. He had never felt like this with anyone, not even Julia, she rarely entered his mind anymore. Of course he could never forget her, but it was easier to talk about, and the memories, didn't creep through the mist back into his mind. They loved each other and that was enough._

ELI POV

It's now morning and I haven't even blinked. Who could I ask for help in a situation like this? Then one person popped in my head. Adam. No, wait he wouldn't tell me if Clare told him anything, she would've made sure to keep it from me. Alli? No, she is too close to Clare to care about how much I NEED this information. What am I supposed to do, she is going to break up with me, wait! No she isn't! not if she doesn't get the chance. I quickly text Clare. I am going to woo her over again. I smirked, the things this girl does to me.

I drove over to Adams to hangout; the disappointment was clear on my face when Drew told me that he went with Alli over to Clare's. Drew shrugged, and shut the door. I then got a text from Clare, saying that she was busy, and couldn't talk to me today, something with her parents. But why would Alli or Adam have to be there? Now I wasn't just confused as fuck, I was pissed off. I called Adam.

"Hey, man wanna hangout?" I wasn't going to let him know that I talked to Drew, or that I knew where he was.

"Sorry, man, um, I, me and Drew, YEA! Drew, we're studying." You could SO tell that was a lie. But then something more important shocked me. I heard people in the background.

"Shh, Clare, it'll be okay, I swear, he will understand." Then I heard a "SHH!" fallowed by muffling. I heard through the muffling. "Eli, Hear, phone." I was growing more furious by the minute.

"Well, how come Drew said you were at Clare's and Clare said she was with her parents?" it was quiet for a while. Then I heard more muffling.

"Eli," it was Clare. I wasn't going to let her talk, I was beyond furious, what the HELL was going on?

"No, Clare, you listen, if all you can do is lie to me, then it's over, bye I got to go." That was the hardest thing I had ever done, yet why did I feel so guilty?

CLARE POV

I dropped the phone. Oh no. this couldn't be happening.

"Clare? Clare? Are you okay?" I don't remember even hearing their voices, over and over in my head all I could hear and see was Eli, and our past, and how it was just over, with a few words said. Those little words cut me so deep, I couldn't breathe. He was leaving us. We were abandoned by him, and he doesn't even know.


	2. a baby?

_**i love how ppl love my story, PLEASE REVIEW! its what gives me the confidence to keep writing! HOMEWORK TAKES THE BACK BURNER!

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ELI POV

I kept calling Clare's phone repeatedly. All week. She didn't show up to school, not once. I knew I totally blew up in her face, and I regret it, honestly. She had not deserved any of this. Any of my bull shit, or my anger. But I was too selfish to own up to the fact that she didn't deserve to be stuck with me, she deserved someone better than me.

I was calling for my 7th time this hour, but someone actually picked up the phone.

"What the HELL do you think you can do calling Clare, you broke up with her when she is-" then another voice, one I missed dearly, all broken.

"ALLI! NO! DON'T SAY IT!" what the hell was that about?

"Fine Clare, I won't tell him, but you should." What was I supposed to know?

"No, Alli I was going to tell him, but its his own fault, he doesn't deserve to know." I felt like total shit, obviously she wasn't going to break up with me, so I figured that I should give up for no god damned reason.

"Alli what is going on?" I couldn't hide the confusion in my voice.

"Shit, Clare I am coming, Adam, she's puking go help her."

"AWW MAN! Why do I always have to do it? I didn't know it happened so fast, isn't it supposed to take a while before the puking starts?"

"Stop being so mean she needs us while she-"she stopped remembering I was on the phone.

"Eli, don't call here, ever again, I have to go help Clare. Bye." And with that being said she hung up. What the HELL was going on? I will have to find out soon enough.

CLARE POV

"Adam, you really should just go home, it isn't your fault okay? I can take care of myself really." He did NOT believe me.

"Clare, I am not going to leave you here all alone, get over it. I am spending the night until your dad gets back. He will understand Clare, I really believe he will." He smiled reassuringly at me.

"Fine, but I am not letting you sleep on the FLOOR! You can sleep in the bed Adam; it's not a big deal, honestly. I'm not contagious." He laughed at that, we changed into our PJ's and laid in the bed, for the first time in a whole week, I didn't cry. I felt urges to do crazy things, like hurt myself. But I would never do that to my child. I didn't care if Eli doesn't really love me like I will always love him, or the fact that he will never know his child, or the child their father. And I even don't care that my parents got a divorce because my dad, the only thing left in this family that I love agreed to stay in the house, and my mom took it upon herself to move out, trust me, I wasn't complaining. Because I have a little addition to my life, a little piece of happiness. A little bit of a gift. God's gift.

ELI POV

Clare finally showed up to school, I went over to talk to her, but Adam ran up to me before Clare even saw me.

"Eli, no, just stay away from her." He said it with such passion; I was confused to say the least.

"Adam, man what is going on? What's with all the secrets?" he looked down, afraid to speak, but out of nowhere, he looked up with feeling in his eyes.

"You would know, if you wouldn't of hurt Clare, it isn't my place to tell you, and I doubt she wants to tell you now. So run along, it's not your problem anymore, not unless Clare decides it. And so far, she hasn't decided anything, last night was the first night she didn't fall asleep crying her eyes out because of you." His words filled with venom that snapped at me, it hurt me, every word like a knife in my skin.

"Just, just ask her if we can talk." He shook his head.

"Man, listen to me, okay? She REALLY doesn't want to talk to you. She is going through some stuff right now, and all I can say is that, you breaking her heart, only made things WAY worse, we all tried to tell her that you weren't going to do it, but you proved us WAY wrong, she didn't even get to tell you before you flipped. And you know what gets me? She forgave you after every stupid, idiotic, IGNORANT thing that you did, but you suspected that she kept something from you, you got pissed, because you didn't get what you wanted, and that effected her more than you know, lets just say, Clare shouldn't have to be going in this alone, what she is going through is half your fault." I could tell he wanted to tell me, but I also could tell he wouldn't.

"Adam, hold my stuff." Clare said, not even noting my existence, she ran to the bathroom.

"Shit, got to go." He ran to Alli's locker, she stopped what she was doing and ran into the bathroom; Adam stood their looking like crap. But what was wrong with Clare? Why was she throwing up? Again?

"Alli, my dad is going to kill me, what am I going to do?" she sighed.

"You could, I don't know, take CARE of it." What the hell? Clare looked livid, thanking god that they couldn't see me behind this locker.

"Clare, I didn't mean it I am sorry." Adam lightly took her hands before she could run off.

"I am NOT going to kill my baby!"

"Don't you think Eli deserves to know?"

"Why? So he could just abandon me? He doesn't care why you guys can't get it through you heads. Yea he calls, because he doesn't like feeling guilty, he doesn't love us. He can't love us. But I WILL have this baby; I don't care what any body says. It's the only thing that matters right now, I know it sucks, but I told you guys from the beginning I was afraid that he couldn't handle it, he couldn't even handle thinking that I had a secret, how do you think he will react to this?"

Baby? Clare is having a, a baby? MY baby? My precious little baby, with blue eyes, and auburn hair that twists into perfect ringlets? But she doesn't want me in her life, and I can't blame her, I have always made a fool of myself.

LATE AT NIGHT.

I decided I would sneak in Clare's window. I mean there has to be something I could do; I had to let her know I still loved her, and our baby.

As I pulled up about a block from Clare's house I saw her on the porch talking to Alli and Adam, crying. Half of me wanted to run up to her and beg her to tell me what was wrong, but the other, smarter half, told me to just listen, so I knew.

"He, he kicked me out! My own father. I have no where to go, he wanted me to get an abortion, but I told him just like I told you, I love this baby too much," I couldn't help but feel like it's my fault, I mean of course it's my fault but we could be happy now if I wasn't so damn stupid.

"Clare, chill you can stay with me, my mom shouldn't mind, and Drew doesn't even matter." She giggled at this. It was nice to see her giggle even if it wasn't for me.

"Have you considered telling him?"

"I have, and once again I have decided against it. I am sorry, but it's not right, he doesn't even need to know, if he pays enough attention, then maybe he can piece two and two together, but even then he won't ever see my baby, he can't ever stick to anything, in and out. But now it's not just me, it's my baby, what happens when we get into an argument? He can't be in and out of the child's life, I won't tolerate it, he is never to see her, or him." She smiled at the 'him'.

"Clare, go back you bags, and lets get going!" she smiled again then wrapped her arms around him.

"What was that for." She smiled again, Eli couldn't help but get slightly jealous.

"Well, when I am all fat and ugly, you wont want to hug me any way, so I just feel like getting it out of my system, while I can still see my feet." This time Alli smiled.

"Clare, don't worry about it, I'll make sure that you wear matching shoes." She laughed then her smile faded.

"Alli, what's going to happen? What will happen once I have this baby? I'll be broke, what am I supposed to do?" Alli sighed, it was clear she did not have the answer, but I infact did.!


	3. mommy, i thought you loved me?

ELI POV

I ran up to the front doors of Degrassi, waiting for Clare to show up. I was going to help her whether she liked it or not, it's my responsibility, my job to take care of this kid just as much as it was Clare's, if not more on the money side. She knew I had plenty of money, yet she still didn't come to me for help, which told me she REALLY didn't want me knowing. She turned around the corner, yet she hasn't seen me yet. As soon as I grabbed her arm, she looked up, happiness clear, but as soon as it was there it was gone.

"Clare, we really need to talk." She sighed and looked down. Then her phone went off.

"Yea, yea!" she was getting more excited as the minutes went on.

"You're joking! He really said that! Oh my, God! When will they get here?" who were they talking about NOW!

"NOW? There coming NOW? I am at school, and-"her smile grew wider, she turned around, and there was a car, gold and beautiful. Some huge eye browed guy walked out of the driver side, and a tan girl with sandy brown hair stepped out of the passenger side.

"Clare, why didn't you tell me that your-"

"SHUT UP DARCY!" she stole glances at me, trying to say she didn't want me to hear. This Darcy chick got the message.

"So Prop Master Clare, I heard that you were staying with the Torres'?" she nodded.

"Well, as you know there is plenty of room for you and," he glanced at me, and coughed trying to hide his slip up.

"Any way, you should stay with us, we have plenty of room, just don't try anything Edwards." He was being very sarcastic, that is MY thing, why was Clare blushing like mad. Then she sighed.

"Declan why you can't just GET OVER IT!" she giggled, but looked at me. Then stopped immediately. The girl looked at me weird, and then she widened her eyes at me like something clicked.

"Oh my god CLARE? You didn't tell him? What's your problem? You can't just not tell him that your." Clare started crying, I couldn't contain it anymore, I ran up to her and put my arms around her. She tried to get away, but I stopped her.

"Clare, I know." She stopped and looked at me worriedly.

"What are you talking about?" she obviously was hoping it wasn't the truth.

"That you're pregnant, and I really think that-"she got up and started running away from me.

"How did you find out? Why does it matter? Is messing with me some kind of game to you? You always do this to me, but not anymore, just go." I slowly walked towards her, she wasn't showing any signs saying she wanted me to stop, but as soon as I got closer she fell to the ground.

CLARE POV

Oh my god, I couldn't take it anymore, I needed him to get away, I was about to protest him getting closer to me, when I dropped to the floor in pain. I had no idea what was going on, I was in so much pain that I couldn't help but start to cry, I felt many arms around me, but none actually felt like they were touching me, I was alone in my mind, sitting on a couch, it was a light but no light bulb, just straight light. And then a little boy walked in the room, maybe 3 and half, not a very experienced walker, but was fine. He was so cute, and vaguely familiar, but I couldn't put my finger on it.

"Clare, Clare Edwards?" said the little tiny boy. I smiled and nodded, he ran up to me and hugged me, and I couldn't help but feel like my heart reached out to this boy.

"Mommy, I'm dying." Excuse me? I started crying my heart was being ripped from my chest.

"Mommy can't you help me? It hurts so badly! MOMMY!" he was crying by now gripping my hand to death. Then I saw him pant and his oxygen was cut off.

"Mommy, I thought that you loved me?" and with that he disappeared; I sat there clenching my heart, hoping that the air would comeback in the room. The lights were getting brighter until all I saw was white, no shapes, just a big, white.

"She's coming around everyone BACK UP!" I slowly realized I was in the hospital, but why? It didn't matter; all that mattered was my child, my son.

"_Mommy, I thought you loved me?" _

I started to breathe really deep realizing I was still crying.

_Drip.  
Drip.  
Drip. _

That noise was driving me crazy, I threw my head up and realized, I felt sorta empty. I looked around the room to see everyone watching me like I was in an exhibit.

I put my hands down to my stomach out of habit, but my small tiny bump that I had come too familiar with wasn't there, I started panicking. I pulled my shirt up and roughly rubbed all over my stomach. WHERE WAS MY SON?

"Where is he? Where did he go?  
"I started crying, I was now drawing blood on my stomach I was scratching it so hard, looking for my little baby boy. I let him die, it was my entire fault.

_Mommy, I thought you loved me? _

I do love you!


	4. why wont you let me die?

ELI POV

Eli was shocked to say the least, it killed him to see Clare in so much pain, he couldn't even control his thoughts, but as soon as the Doctor came out with his book, a grim look on his face, it clicked.

"I am sorry to inform you, but Clare had a miscarriage." I couldn't believe what I was hearing, my baby… my precious auburn haired, blue eyed baby.

I walked into the hospital room, Clare was sleeping, and she looked miserable in her sleep. Like subconsciously she knew what was happening. I was crying for hours, then everyone showed up, and I was trying my damndest to hide my tears. I think they saw through it though.

"What happened?" Alli and Adam shouted together, at the very same moment, Darcy and Declan came running in,

"Is she okay? What happened?" they all had worried looks on their faces. It hurt me but I couldn't let them just sit their worrying.

"She, she-"it hurt so badly, but I had to say it.

"Our baby is dead…" I almost whispered it, at how low I said it, I felt like shit, and I could only imagine how Clare was going to handle it.

Clare started tearing her abdomen literally, it hurt me to see her so hurt.

"Where is he? Where did he go?" she was screaming, in pain, but not physical pain, emotional pain.

CLARE POV

It has been a week since my visit to the hospital, I have been avoiding everyone, I can't help it. My baby needed me and I just let him die. I lock my self in the corner of my room 24/7 not eating or sleeping.

Every time I fall asleep all I see is my beautiful son,

Dark brown hair. Getting so long! Beautiful liquid blue eyes. And the most heart shattering smile, I have ever seen. And now he was gone, all gone, because I couldn't give him what he needed.

I could never make it as a person much less a mother, I knew that's why Eli all of a sudden was nice, and he knew I couldn't be a good mother. He wanted to take my baby.

The only way I knew to stop hurting for just a minute, was too hurt myself. I know its wrong, but honestly I don't care if I live anymore.

Slice.

Slice.

"The drops of moisture trickle among the bones." My favorite quote from Edgar Allen Poe, now described how I lived my life. Just watching the blood fall, not caring, just admiring the beauty of it, slowly killing me, slowly taking what I need. God obviously didn't want me to be happy, he just played tricks on me. Like a fucking toy.

Knock.

Knock.

I ignored it, I couldn't talk to anyone, but aparantly that wasn't good enough so l wuickly slid my covers over my body, watching it rush out of my arm at a quick pace, hoping who ever it was would see I am sleeping. No such luck.

"Clare, I know your awake, you have to talk to someone, there's a boy here, he says his name is OH MY GOSH! CLARE WHAT DID YOU DO!" my blood was making its way to the floor, I started getting mad now, couldn't they just let me die?

"GET OUT NOW!" she shook her head and ripped the covers up, seeing my arm drenched in blood staining my white sheets, dripping to the floor.

Then I saw him,

"Mommy, I really wish I could see you again, it isn't fun here, I miss you mommy, it was WAY more fun with you." Then the heart breaking smile spread across his beautiful features, hope clear in his watery eyes, that I would save him. But I couldn't, I was a horrible person.

Eli rushed upstairs and started to pick me up, rushing me to the hospital, yelling stuff about staying here.

"Why can't you just let me die?" it was nearly inaudible, but he heard it. And began to cry. They rushed me to the hospital, I had been writing in my Diary lately, but I forgot it. I couldn't tell anyone where I kept it, afraid they might read it. People would think I was crazy. If I ever wanted to finally die, I would have to get out of here.

ELI POV

I couldn't believe she would do that.

"Clare, you stay with me you hear me? We are almost there!" I could tell she wasn't listening.

"Why can't you just let me die?" I was afraid I heard her wrong, but you could tell by her facial expression, she was dead ass serious, I couldn't hide my tears, it was killing me knowing that the fucking love of my life, honestly wanted to die.

A couple hours later I went to her house to grab some of her things. It pained me to see her blood everywhere. I went to her bathroom to het her tooth brush; I looked under the sink to try to find her uhm yea, feminine necessities.

That's when I saw the little lock box. It drove me mad, wanting to know what so important to hide in a lock box, and even hide the lock box. So I decided to search for the key.

HA! Real original saint Clare, right on your bedside table.

I went to unlock it, and once I did, there was a smaller box in there and a journal looking thing. I know what you're thinking. "ELI! STOP THAT IS PRIVATE!" but it was necessary, I could help us find out what the HELL we can do to fix Clare. My Clare.

_first entry._

_I don't usually keep journals, its tacky and unnecessary. But lately, my feelings and emotions have been ALL over the place. So I thought, hey why not give it a try._

_So here goes nothing, I feel stupid right about now, talking to myself, having a conversation with me self. Really? Anyway. _

_Lately Eli has been so perfect, he'll never know the reason why I always let him walk in and out of my life like he does, is because I need him. He will never know that I allow him to push me past my boiling point because I love him too much to let him leave me for good. But that doesn't stop him from being an asshole sometimes. For instance, last week, I asked him to do me a simple favor, and not tell anyone that we had sex. He blew it way out of proportion, saying that I regret it, but that could never be the case. I just didn't want the whole school knowing about my personal life why should that be a problem? Why should I get yelled at for wanting our private things to remain private, you don't do them in public for a reason? But I was too much of a coward to say that, afraid of what he will do next, always leaving when it gets tough. I honestly don't know if he loves me the way he says he does, I mean if I am that easy to leave, then how could he? Of course I am asking these questions to myself because I cannot think of a way to get the answers from him directly with out him getting upset and leaving me again. He doesn't know that after every time that he leaves, I stay up crying all night until he comes back apologizing with fake resentment in his voice for the night before. But me being able to crumble under his touch, makes it impossible for me to deny him anything that he wants. And that is going to be a problem._

I had no idea this was how she was feeling, I am SUCH a douche. No wonder she didn't want me around her, I wouldn't want me around her.

I had no idea this was how she was feeling, I am SUCH a douche. No wonder she didn't want me around, I wouldn't want me around either.

_Entry 2:_

_He will leave me for good, I am so afraid, Adam and Alli assure me that he wouldn't do that, that he loves me too much, but they don't know how he is, when it goes and gets tough, he leaves. ALWAYS a baby would only make him finally realize that he doesn't even love me a little. But I cant have him be mad at me I just cant. Alli insists over and over how I should get an abortion, I could never do that, ever. I don't care if Eli is going to hate me; this is my problem, my baby… I don't know how I wouldn't be able to love it, its part of him, and only this little person will love me back, as much as I love him. I hope it'll be a him, with little green eyes, and dark hairs sprouting into little toughs of hair everywhere. I would love it if it was a girl just as much, but I am hoping for a boy. I would be ecstatic. My little baby boy._

Now I surely felt like a dick, this is what Clare was feeling? This is what she wanted more then her whole life and she couldn't even have that.

Sigh, I wonder what else she wrote in here…

_Dear baby,_


	5. Dear baby

_Dear Baby,_

_ I was going to tell him about you today, I really was. I was getting excited, and nervous, so I had my two best friends over to help me decide how I could tell him. Then he called, wanting to hangout with Adam, but he caught us, I got on the phone to tell him to come over, so I could tell him everything, when he just ripped my heart out. Normally I would cry myself to sleep knowing in a couple of days he would be sorry, but I couldn't take him back now. he doesn't deserve to know someone as great as you. I hope you can forgive me someday for not telling him, but I also hope you can understand that I just didn't want him in and out of your life like he is mine. You don't deserve that kind of relationship, I always feel like hurting myself, always, but knowing that one day I get to see your gorgeous face, keeps me threw the day. I don't know what I would do without you, honestly, I don't. I saw Eli the other day, after he tried calling me nonstop, with some girl, blonde and bodacious, go figure, her name is Jenny. Why did all the blonde tramps have to be into every guy I loved? I will raise you to never break a girls heart. You are going to look so perfect. So, so perfect. My little baby boy, _

_ Love. Mom_

I am sitting here in tears re reading this letter over and over again. She was right, all I do is leave. But Jenny doesn't harbor any feelings for me, infact she was asking about Adam, but other than that, it killed me to know that the only thing keeping her sane, was our child, our dead child.

I continued to look through the pages. The next page really was the most sad thing I have ever read in my life.

_ I wonder if God really hates me this much. I had a dream while I was in the hospital, I saw my son, my beautiful, angel like son. He smiled and ran up to me. He had the dark brown hair I always pictured, but instead of the brown hair, that I pictured him having, he had blue ones, that made him look all the more better. But they were shaped just how I liked them, he said he loved me. I was so estatic. But God had other plans in store for me. My baby cried out in pain, begging me to save him. The fact that somehow Eli knew about him, or that Declan and Darcy were back, didn't phase me, because all I could think about was that my baby was dying right infront of my eyes. Begging me to help him. I am a horrible mother, that is why Eli was always around, he wanted to take the baby away from me, he knew as much as God did, that I was a horrible mother_

_I keep having these dreams, my son keeps begging me to save him. Hope evident in his face, but I am helpless. I no longer have a need in this world anymore. I will end my life to be with my son. Who loves me, even though I am a horrid mother. _

_Tomorrow, when my mom is leaving for work, so she won't catch me, this is the first sliver of happiness I have had in a week. I miss you baby boy, and I miss your dad too, but we cannot dwell on the past. Because from tomorrow on, it will be me and you._

Speechless couldn't define how I felt. My baby was dead, my love of my life wanted to be dead, and she didn't even think I loved her. I some how need to fix this. But first there is other stuff in the box, inside the box.

I opened the box, and pulled out folded up pieces of paper. I unfolded the first one, to see a little boy with dark brown hair, and beautiful blue eyes. His nose is shaped just like Clare's and he has my eye shape, with my lips. I never knew Clare was such an artists. This picture looked so vivid, so real. It was like a real life drawling.

I pulled out the rest of the papers in the box; most of the pictures were of this boy, but some where of Clare and the boy.

As I got to the bottom of the box, I realized there was one paper left. Out of curiosity, I opened the paper up. Sure enough it was the boy, but the boy wasn't with Clare, he was with me. It started to make sense, all of it. And it hurt.

CLARE POV

I was freaking out, I had this horrid feeling in my stomach, something I couldn't get rid of, every time I felt this, I cut. But I couldn't cut, not in a hospital, so I drew. This time I drew my last memory, dream thingy of my son, he was waiting in someone's arms, begging me to come with him. I was in the middle of trying to decipher what was all in my memories, when I felt someone's presence. I quickly shoved the paper behind me.

"Eli, what are you doing here? I told them no one was aloud in here." he sighed, I refused to look at him, knowing I would break down.

"What is that paper behind your back?" I squirmed trying to hide my obvious unease.

"Nothing, it's none of your concern, can you just leave already?" I was being very harsh, I knew it. But he needs to leave.

"What was that paper?" why was he so adamant to find out?

"It doesn't matter, leave now, before I call the nurse." He held his hands up in defense.

"I found your box…" I was fuming, my breathe was caught in my throat, permanitly, refusing to come out. My heart rate spead up, rapidly beeping, to the point were you couldn't even tell it was beeping, because the pauses, were so short. My eyes fluttered closed, and I had another image of my baby, and Eli. I opened my eyes, my heart was back to normal, and tears were silently falling down my face.

"D-did you read it?" I asked on edge. I was hoping and praying that what ever god was left, he did not read it.

"Yes, and I saw the pictures." I didn't know what to say.

"Leave. Now." he shook his head.

"Clare, we have to talk, before it's too late, you have to stop living so depressed, you have to try to be happy." He looked searching my eyes for an answer, that's what broke me, looking in his eyes.

"How can I be happy, when my baby is dead? How can I be happy, when the only good thing left in my life is gone, and it's my fault! HOW CAN I BE HAPPY?"

"Clare, it's not your fault, and you have people who care about you. You have Adam, Alli, and you have me!" why did he think he could still do this to me?

"Eli, I don't have you. I have you when your in a good mood, I have you when things are easy." He looked down, guiltily.

"I know I am a total loser, and you can't count on me, but I promise, that from now on, you can! I will NEVER leave you!" I really wanted to believe him.

"You just don't get it! I see this beautiful baby in my head, wishing for the day I would get to see him, and its never going to happen because it IS my fault, all MY fault. I was a horrible mother, when it wasn't even born yet, I couldn't save him! I COULDN'T SAVE MY OWN SON! MY OWN FLESH AND BLOOD ELI! YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND!" he was pissed now.

"Okay, for one! I do understand it was MY son too! And for two, yea maybe I get it, you hurt more than me because you got a chance to grow attached to it, but I would've too if you gave me the chance too, and, and UGH!" then before I could protest, his lips were on mine, very aggressively, very hungry. He was growling into the kiss, and without a doubt I was kissing back, I tried to battle with the voice in my head telling me to keep kissing him, no matter how much I didn't want to, but the voice won, and I sat here, making out with Eli, in an angry manner, both of us growling, and kissing, hard, hurting each others mouths swelling them together, tongues dancing in a fiery dance, a sexy dance, then I pulled Eli on top of me, not being able to control myself, obviously the control wasn't in his hands either. The control was no where to be found, he roamed her body with his hands, as she did as well. They were cut short by someone clearing their throat.

"Guys, really? In the HOSPITAL!" we looked to see Declan standing there. Eli reluctantly got off of me, and back into the chair. I wasn't paying attention to anything, I just kept thinking to myself if I should have let that happen, or if I should keep the distance, then a small child cleared my vision, with Eli.

My decision was made…


	6. I am going to have this baby,

ELI POV

Was she taking me back? Is she forgiving me? All these questions were running through my head as I entered the hospital the next day. How would I bring it up? Would I be putting too much stress on her?

"Hey Eli, I think we should talk." She was at least willing to talk to me, so that has to be good right?

"Yea, sure, anything."

She sighed and rested her head on her pillow.

"So I have been thinking about us, a lot since I have been in here, and I want to know your aspect of this." Why the hell was she being so formal?

"Well, I get that you feel like I just leave you all the time, but I promise I will change, I will be there for you no matter what, I will stick it through thick and thin, just please, please. Give me one more shot!" when did I boil down to begging? Oh yea, when Clare started to come around.

She sighed, I don't know if that is a good sign or not. But one thing I learned from this experience is to never assume anything, so I just let her talk.

"Eli, you know how I fell about you, you read my journal , which by the way, is a TOTAL invasion of privacy. You looked at my pictures, and I can't believe that you could ever stand by me if it depended on my life. But I do know that you can try to prove it to me, so yes I will give you another chance, but I am still hurting inside Eli, I can't just snap back like a rubber band, it's a healing process, I still see his face everytime I close my eyes, I see what could've been, what will never be, and it hurts me!" I sighed, she did have a point, we can't just pick up where we left off.

"Clare, it can happen, we can make another baby, you don't just get one chance you know, we have all the time in the world, so when ever you want a baby, we can have one, because that is what I want, a future with arguing, and babies, and pets, and bad hair days, with a horrible job that I hate, but I get to come home to my family every night. Okay maybe not the whole horrible job I hate, but the rest of, it, except for the bad hair days, and arguments. But what I am trying to say Clare is that any where between now and the future, I am going to be here for you!"

She looked down for a minute, will she except this?

CLARE POV

How would he react if I told him I wanted a baby now? That I felt like I couldn't wait any longer to see his perfect face, yet again. Well there is only one way to find out.

"Eli I am sure you don't mean that." He nodded vigorously, and grabbed my hand,

"Clare, anything, any time, just say the word." He had sincerity written all over his face, it took everything inside me to ask him this question.

"Can we have a baby?" he looked confused.

"I thought I just said that we can?" I sighed, he isn't getting it!

"Can we have a baby, soon, sooner than later?" he looked down.

"Clare, I figured you would want to wait until school is out."

ELI POV

I could see the sadness in her eyes when I said this.

"Or, we could have one now?" her eyes lit up.

"are you sure Eli, I mean I totally get it if you would prefer to wait, it is the rational thing to do, and look at me just rambling on, and on, and on, and on, and, I think I have made my point, but if you-" I cut her off with my lips.

"We can have a baby right now, if that's what you want. Right. Now." she smiled, and blushed. She pulled me on top of her, and started kissing he tenderly, by this point I was already turned on, but I had to do something first,

"Clare wait," she looked confused.

"Let me lock the door first, we don't need anyone walking in on us do we?" she smiled and nodded her head.

CLARE POV

I felt him on top of me, I felt so good, I felt complete. He quickly pulled the covers of my hospital bed down, and lowered the bed down it self, so that we were flat on the mattress. I felt his body heat covering my entire body, as he de-clothed us, together. His hard body was pressed up against mine for dear life, his arms running up and down mine, and his breath all over my neck.

ELI POV

I can't believe I just had sex in a hospital, in a hospital bed, in a hospital room in the middle of the day with a hospital patient. But she wasn't just any hospital patient, she was Clare, my Clare.

"Eli, I do love you." I smiled the biggest, cheesiest, most gullible grin ever.

"Edwards, I love you morreeee!" she giggled, and placed her hands on her bare stomach.

"I am so excited, Eli. I just can't wait, I mean I know that the chances of it looking just like the baby in my dreams are slim to none, but it would be perfect none the less."

"Clare, if you're the mother, and I am the father, he is just fine in the looks department." She laughed.

"Yea, lets just make sure he isn't to modest!" she sneered in a laughing tone at me. I smirked; I was getting my mojo back.

CLARE POV

I could close my eyes, seeing my son, and be happy about it this time, knowing that no matter what happens, I will have a son, I mean of course I don't even know if I am pregnant yet, but if I'm not, we could always try again.

"Eli, what if I'm not pregnant?" he smirked;

"Trust me, if your not, which I would be surprised to hear, then we can always try again, I promise." I smiled so huge, I couldn't contain myself.

"CLARE, ITS DOCTOR REYNOLDS! ARE YOU OKAY? WHY IS THE DOOR LOCKED?"

I started laughing immediately, fallowed by Eli's magical laugh.

"Eli, get dressed!" he sighed, but pulled on all of his clothes, I just had to slip on the hospital gown, and the covers.

Eli went to unlock the door, then came and sat down right next to me.

"Alright Ms. Edwards, we will do one more urine sample, then your good to go!" I didn't think about that, they would see that I could be pregnant in the sample, well it saves me 15 dollars on a plastic store test.

"Clare, we have some unusual results with your sample, it shows that your pregnant, is there something we should know Ms. Edwards?" I was slightly embarrassed.

"Well, if it's positive, then I am sure you already know." He sighed,

"Ms. Edwards, you can leave when ever your ready." He shook his head, and sighed, while I squealed with excitement.

I am going to have this baby,


	7. Beautiful Disaster 1987 ROCKS!

_**OKAY GUYS, MY DEAR FRIEND/ TUMBLR/ TWITTER/ FANFICTION FRIEND, WROTE THIS FOR MY STORY, YOU GUYS NEED TO GIVE HER PRAISE, BECAUSE THIS GIRL IS AMAZING, SHE DID BETTER FOR THIS STORY THAN I EVER COULD. **_

_**I WOULD'VE PROBABLY RUINED IT, WHILE SHE CREATED THIS MASTER PIECE **_

_**THANK **_

_**Beautiful Disaster 1987**_

.net/u/2526004/Beautiful_Disaster_1987

_**GO THANK HER, NOT ME. SHE'S AMAZING READ AND REVIEW HER STORIES, JUST GO DO IT, NOW!**_

I open my lungs dear,  
I sing this song at funerals, no rush.  
These lyrics heard a thousand times, just plush.

Here I was at my son's funeral. I had miscarried I no longer felt whole, Eli ahs left me and now my son is gone. I never really told Eli about my pregnancy and he thought I was keeping a secret from him, which I was but he never thought I was going to tell him and he ended up finding out on his own.

"Are you Ok Clare" he asked standing next to me as our son was being placed in the ground

"No Eli, our son is gone." I yelled at him as I brown down in tears.

I watched them put our son in grave his tombstone read "Baby boy Edwards-Goldsworthy" which was Eli's doing.

"You were taken away too soon" I whispered

A baby boy you've held so tightly,  
This pain it visits almost nightly.  
Missing hotel beds I feel your touch.

Every time I went to sleep I had the same dream when I found out that I had miscarried. I seen my son standing there right in front of me he looked about 4 years old, just like Eli, only he had my eyes. I was looking at him as he talked.

"Mommy I can't breathe I love you, please help." He gasped.

"Baby boy please hold on mommy loves you too don't leave me." I said in tears running to him

"Mommy I'm trying don't let me go" He said in my arms

"I'll never let you go I promise"

I then noticed I no longer had him in my arms, he had disappeared.

I woke up and scratched my abdomen yelling "Where is my son?"

Eli sat across from me in tears.

I will await dear,  
A patient of eternity, my crush.  
A universal still, No rust.  
No dust will ever grow on this frame,

I'm in my room now alone I've been here for 3 days now. The pain of my son still lingers with me. I keep my door locked and my mom knocks to let me know that my food is outside of the door. No one comes in there's no Eli, I doubt we'd get back together after everything that's happened. It feels like my world has stopped I drew pictures of my son the way I saw him in my dreams to occupy my time and keep my memories of him, I have about half a lock box full of them.

One million years I will say your name.  
I love you more than I can ever scream.

I feel so lost, the pain of living without him and Eli is getting unbearable, when Eli and I broke up knowing my son was living inside me stopped me from hurting myself, but now the only trace of Eli I had held so dearly is gone. I have hears carved in my arms along with the words "Baby Boy" I needed something on me to still feel attached and I needed to release the pain I feel.

Booked our flight those years ago,  
I said I love you as I left you.  
Regrets still haunt my hollow head,  
I promised you I will see you again.

I remember leaving the cemetery on my own I knelt down besides my son's grave and told him "Mommy loves you so much I'll see you again even if it's in my dreams"

I sit here and smile dear,  
I smile because I think of you, I blush.  
These bleeding hollow dials, this fuss.

I smile every time I think of my baby boy even when I look at his pictures, but I still miss him to death. I can't wait till I see him and I feel empty there nothing to live for. I decided to take my own life so I can be with my son sooner. It's been a week since I last seen Eli so I doubt if he care. I then got a razor and cut a big incision on my arm and let it bleed out as I had music blaring to down out my sobs from the pain. I woke up in a hospital bed, Eli was sitting across from my bed and I just cried when I seen him.

"Clare are you ok?" He asked me quietly

"Don't you get it? I'm not ok I've lost you, our son is gone, and there's just nothing left for me to live for Eli"

I cried into my pillow, I then felt Eli's arm around me and he kissed me I couldn't help, but kiss him back. Eli and I talked for a while he found my lockbox and was willing to give me another baby.  
A fuss is made of miles and travels when roadways are but stones and gravel.  
A bleeding heart can conquer every crutch.

I found out that I was pregnant and decided not to hurt myself anymore, Eli is by my side again. I still think of my lost son every night still.

We booked our flight those years ago,  
You said you loved me as you left me.  
Regrets still haunt your saddened head but I promised you I will see you again

It's been 4 months now, I don't dream of my lost son, Eli and I are doing better we're hardly apart now. In the last dream I had of my lost son, he and I were playing on the swings and he said "Mommy I'm leaving for now I love you and I'll see you soon." I told Eli and we don't know what it meant.

We booked our flight those years ago,  
I said I loved you and I left you.  
Regret's no longer in my head,  
But I promised you and now I'm home again

I now live with Eli and our 4 year old son looks just like the one I've lost. I now understood what my dream meant. Though the memory of my lost son will never go away and Eli and I visit him very often with his younger brother.

I'm home again


End file.
